drums, art (and adhd) - 26/03/25

i started learning the drums recently! it's nothing super interesting, but practicing the rudiments from an exercise book every night is a good way to pass the time. it's easy to dedicate half an hour every night to practice, and every day it gets a little easier. starting small on a project as huge as this is cool, it's meditative. for a little while every day, nothing exists but me and the drumsticks. i don't go to proper lessons yet, but one day, when i can afford it, i'd like to. looking forward to that, and to the day i can play on an actual kit, keeps me motivated. it's always good to have something in the future to think of when you feel aimless.

i honestly don't have any hobbies that aren't made stressful by the expectations i place on myself. my art always has to look a certain way and get my jumbled ideas across, which is always harder than it sounds. my process is full of fretting over details and endlessly redrawing elements. it couldn't be therapeutic even if i tried, i take it too seriously. programming, on the other hand, is fun and rewarding, genuinely, and the trance i go into when i'm absorbed in it is like nothing else, but i always find myself going above and beyond. when my code is working, it's the best thing ever, but when it's not, the frustration leaves me utterly exhausted. the fact that i'm not a musician at all has made picking up an instrument the perfect idea. it's something that's definitely an art, but also something that can't really be incorporated into my work as it currently exists. finally, an escape that doesn't overwhelm or bore me to death!!

i don't know when i decided the drums were cool. i've never had strong opinions about anything on the production side of music, but i remember always thinking percussion instruments were pretty lame. if i had any thoughts at all, they were mostly "of all instruments, why would you pick the drums?" then something flipped, and i started paying closer attention to the drums in the songs i listened to. i feel attached now. i'm pretty sure it was kakuiumono by mass of the fermenting dregs that made me think "no, seriously, i should learn the drums." i've been building up a playlist of songs i'd like to be able to play someday. i think of it the same way i thought about programming back when i first picked it up, oh, this is going to be so fun once i've mastered the basics.

and this is only partially related, but every day i become more sure i might have ADHD. i won't bore anyone with an exhaustive list justifying why i think that, but god, at some point, it just became impossible to ignore. a little while back, for the first time, i started keeping track of how often i got distracted, and how often those distractions impeded my basic functioning. it happens shockingly often. egregiously often. realising that, it felt like the entire earth shattered below me, seriously, i don't know how i never noticed something so obvious.

i think, for a long time, i rejected the idea that i could ever have ADHD on its face, because i've met a lot of people who have it, and their personalities seemed totally different and incompatible with mine. that was most of why i didn't consider it. then i remembered i know i mask constantly, even when i'm not trying to, and i have for most of my life, so the way i relate to people isn't much of an indicator of my actual experience. so then, apparently for the first time, i considered my internal experience for more than half a second, and i was like "yeah. obviously. i have always had these symptoms." in other words, "are you kidding? have you met yourself??"

so yeah, it's a pretty unremarkable observation, but it's one of those things that recontextualises every experience you've had with productivity since you were old enough to think. keeping it in mind has helped me be kinder to myself when basic tasks get tough. something that's been a constant in my life for as long as i've been self aware is the nagging feeling that i can't function at the same level as everyone else as easily as they do. i keep thinking i've figured out all the reasons why that's the case, but then life hits me with another one to add to the list. it's funny.

also, back in december, i had an all consuming hyperfixation for the first time in years. for more than a month, it was the only thing i could think about, the only thing i was capable of thinking about, no matter what. i completely stopped working on my art the whole time it was at its peak. trying to force myself proved unsuccessful, because nothing else made me happy. nothing could compare to the endless flood of dopamine i could tap into at any moment. i forgot how overwhelming a hyperfixation could be at its strongest. my brain was totally useless until, eventually, i managed to soft reset it by travelling in february. when i got home, the fog had finally cleared, and i actually got some fucking work done. these days, i'm back to drawing every day, with a renewed appreciation for the fulfillment i get from my art now that the invisible wall separating me from it is gone. i truly love art more than anything else in this world. it's always felt like as long as i keep writing and drawing, i can never be too far away from a sense of meaning.