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waow. 5 months since the last entry already huh? and 7 months since i was able to make a substantial update to this site. things have been absolutely insane lately.
"i feel like i'm very seriously ill", i said last time. yup! that i am! where do i even begin??
i wrote that last entry at the very start of a months long "burnout", where i realised i was no longer able to do *anything*, no matter how hard i tried. i couldn't draw or program, no, my brain was sludge that had forgotten how to produce ideas. i couldn't read or play games or watch things, i'd shut down within minutes because even the tiniest amounts of sensory information was too much. i couldn't sit in my chair, or even really keep myself standing, because the energy needed to keep myself from hanging my head like a zombie was gone. all of it was gone.
i spent all of january in bed. started feeling a little better after that, so i tried to ease myself back into work, got some art and planning done, but by late february, it had all run dry again. this time i was in pain, and it was steadily getting worse. whenever i felt a little bit less exhausted and hurt, i tried to draw a little bit. i could only manage around 20 minutes or less most of the time before the pain or fatigue took me out. my doctor said it was stress, and i'd get better once i got on adhd meds. "until then, just keep doing nothing every day, and come back if it gets worse."
it got much worse! several appointments and countless blood tests later, the doctor said "we can't find anything wrong, you're a completely healthy person" and the testimonies of every chronically ill friend and family member i've had all echoed in my head at once.
but hey, in the midst of all that, i did manage to get diagnosed with adhd. it was exorbitantly expensive, and apparently there are only like two psychiatrists in my entire region, so even after coughing up a good percentage of my net worth, i had to wait like 6 months. finally, i was prescribed adhd meds at the same time as my doctor finally gave me pain meds and tried something other than giving me blood tests and telling me to keep resting forever. that was last week. up until that point, i was stuck in my bed almost all day every day, barely leaving the house, barely talking to anyone, and barely making anything.
i couldn't stand not being able to make art. i realised pretty early on that working on my game in that state was an exercise in futility. there was way too much to keep track of, even at the most basic level. i could barely draw a basic illustration. or a scribble in my notebook. even that made my brain shut off. i don't remember what i did to pass the time. the days blended together. at least the new tomodachi life came out a few days before my birthday. oh right, i turned 21. i spent the day in bed, but my beloved twin kept me entertained, so it was a good day.
i wanted to believe everything would get better once i got on adhd meds, like it actually was just burnout this whole time, despite the fucking insane symptoms. but nah, it's looking like fibromyalgia. the doctor hasn't confirmed it for certain just yet, of course. i mean, i talk shit, but at least she's been sympathetic. it was, in fact, caused by stress. i'd been insanely stressed starting around october, and then i kept getting more stressed, yay. at first it manifested in weird, mild ways. insane sleep schedules, feverish symptoms, then that mounting exhaustion... there was really no preventing it, given the cards i was dealt in life. i'm just relieved to know it's not my fault.
that said.......................
the adhd meds are working. like, seriously. they're working and i'm alive again after months, maybe years of being genuinely, in all ways except physical, DEAD. in fact, they're working so good that i'm back to the psychological vitality i had as a CHILD, my mind brimming with possibilities like it's nothing, my ability to focus unparalleled, and man, it's better than i thought it would be. i feel like i'm experiencing the world for the first time with open eyes. i don't think i've ever for a day in my life been able to simply exist with this much ease, and i say this as my body is still frail and i can barely look after myself.
adhd burnout is no joke. forcing yourself to focus for decades without any help is taxing, and you never really get that energy back. i guess it's understandable to an extent that my doctor didn't really think i was sick for a while. my cognitive abilities declined so slowly as a result of the lack of support that i didn't really notice it at all until i was a zombie. eventually i lost the ability to think imaginatively, to have interest in the world around me, to take in unfamiliar information, to engage with others on their level, to adequately distract myself from the distress in the back of my mind, to name just a few vital functions for living as a human. you can imagine this made me a terribly depressed individual with few hobbies and passions to speak of. but now my brain is back! it's like it never left!
i think. it's only been around a week. i'm still scared the meds will stop working one day and i'll be stuck in that zombie state again.
it's crazy. i wrote in the last entry that it felt like i only get 5 hours max per day to live. that was honestly a generous estimate. i'd felt for a long time that i only had the energy to focus on one task a day before i crashed, and that made every day feel paralysing. how could i decide what to focus on? what if i regret it and the day is wasted? do i look after my body, or my home, or do i go run the errands i've been putting off for months, or do i talk to someone, or do i get more work done on something that matters... seriously, if you can only do one, how do you live?
since starting the meds, i've been experiencing the entire day from waking up to going to sleep. except when i start feeling especially dizzy and shaky and hurt because i'm ill. i'm not used to having this much energy and it's hard to tell when my body's had enough of my shit now that i'm not doomed to lay in bed and listen to youtube videos in the background as i stare at the ceiling every day. i want to do a lot of things, but i'm trying to pace myself so i don't crash and die immediately after getting past the starting line. i decided i'd push this update to the website out before trying to get back to work in godot. i'd been toiling away at this home page redesign for months whenever i miraculously had the energy to work on something. it's insane to think i did most of the work for it before i got the medication. i really bled out for every little illustration i ever did. i wonder if that'll change. i've never really had drawings flow easily from my brain into the world, but i've never studied art with a clear head before. there are a lot of things i need to try now that my brain is working properly.
i find myself scouring wikipedia for random science facts because i'm so thrilled by my new ability to take in information that i don't even know what to do with myself. god, i can experience new art now, after all this time..!!! i need to experience the world and be human again. i can't believe i lived so long without medication. i can't believe there was a point where i seriously thought i could just tough it out forever. i didn't know i was capable of being alive. what the hell?? there was so much i didn't know.
mao sasagawa released a new album last month. it's a work of art. please listen to it. his music keeps getting more incredible, and i swear he keeps dropping albums right before i experience insane major life events. half the songs on the new album sound exactly how it feels to be newly medicated. i'll put into words how much his music means to me some other time. i mean, i'm medicated now, so what's stopping me?????????