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there's a really interesting discrepancy i've been noticing over the years. something a lot of people seem blind to, which baffles me.
i think i've had as close contact with medical professionals as a relatively poor resident of aotearoa could possibly manage for himself, starting from around age 16. GPs, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists--whoever was available, whoever i could afford, because i've known since i was a kid that there's been some shit going on in that brain of mine that needs treating.
that's what most would agree you're supposed to do, yeah?
you know what all but one of those professionals told me?
"there are books and online courses to help you with this."
"you should try teaching yourself these therapy skills."
"this could be a lot of different conditions, feel free to do your own research later."
the writing on the wall is very clear! dozens of licensed professionals all telling me different flavours of "we can't help you. you need to figure out what's happening by yourself, and then you need to treat whatever condition you have yourself." easy instructions. i go to a psychologist for a diagnosis, and she tells me it's ultimately up to me to figure out which disorder from her list i think i have. before getting the referral to meet with that psychologist, my doctor seemed confused and asked me what point i saw in seeking any diagnosis in the first place.
well, isn't it what you're supposed to do?
i told her i wanted to be taken seriously.
but the reality of everything around me was clear as day: mental health diagnoses don't matter that much, unless there's a medication you're seeking. otherwise, you're expected to ask your GP for some antidepressants and be on your way, dealing with all your problems yourself. your condition and everything that comes with it--identifying it, managing your symptoms, advocating for your needs, learning not to hate yourself for it--is your business and your business alone. so that's how i went about it, and i came to my own conclusions, and i treated myself accordingly, because otherwise i'd have died. i was the only one who could give myself the assessment and care i needed.
then i'd talk to basically anyone outside my area, a lot of whom lived in countries with a much lower standard of healthcare than aotearoa, and they'd INSIST that a diagnosis for your condition is paramount, and if you don't have one, you don't deserve a lick of support in any shape or form!! EVEN support as banal and ubiquitous as the privilege of having people listen and nod as you speak of your experiences. excuse me?
yeah. the discourse on "self-diagnosis" used to infuriate me, now it makes me feel numb. when i hear arguments from people against self-diagnosis, it's all fantasy to me. i feel like i'm hearing a space alien fervently explain the political situation of their home planet while seemingly unaware they're on the other side of the galaxy, surrounded by people who live in a totally different reality. i've heard their cases extensively and categorised all of it against the rest of my knowledge about the world, and it just doesn't fit. far from simply disagreeing with their positions, i have concerns about their ability to even observe the world around them at all. i am past taking them seriously. they have the naivete of a seven-year-old and the pretension of your average landlord.
so basically in my experience, within even the most progressive online spaces dedicated to mental illness, it seems like the dominant viewpoint is as follows:
ugh.
obviously i'm taking the piss, because how could you not? this is how their sentiments sound to me when you take their little social justice rattles away.
when i was a barely 18-year-old baby adult in the process of seeking a diagnosis that didn't meaningfully change a single thing about my life, i read someone's comment on a random thread that went something like this:
honestly you shouldn't tell ANYONE you think you have this condition until you have an official diagnosis. not even family. it's irresponsible to claim to have a disorder without 100% proof NO MATTER WHAT. i don't care what your situation is, there's no way you don't have access to therapy that's either free or within your budget. go there and don't talk to anyone else about your feelings, and especially don't post about it online.
that's hilarious right? the argument is bleeding out from all the holes in it. i mean, i live in an urban area within a relatively wealthy country and i certainly did not have access to any form of budget-friendly therapy! and i was pretty smart with my finances too! not to brag but i made so few frivolous purchases that my room was completely barren aside from my computer desk and i felt like i was living in a padded cell!
...i would later discover i've been having constant, severe dissociative episodes my whole life. in retrospect, that anecdote has less to do with me being good with money and more to do with, well, what's the point in decorating a room that isn't real?
anyway, that comment is an egregious example, yeah? but that sentiment is common. "no matter your circumstances, no matter the severity of your symptoms, no matter how badly you need support, we simply will not listen to you if you don't have a diagnosis on hand." and i just have to ask, why do you think it has to be that serious? why do you treat self-diagnosis like lying under oath? what stakes could possibly justify this level of rabid hostility towards random isolated suffering people with nowhere else to turn?
i'm not interested in hearing arguments though. i don't care to try changing people's minds, that's fucking exhausting and i have real shit to deal with, yknow?! have i mentioned i'm mentally ill?! i don't have to invent boogeymen to fuel some persecution complex on that front, because whether or not some rando self-diagnoses, i'll still walk outside and interact with people who see me as less human than them. and it'll fuck things up and force me to plan around being discriminated against so i don't end up on the fucking street. you think i care about some gen z tiktoker trampling on the sanctity of my condition? the people denying me housing have never heard of them! i don't know them! i wish them the best!
i'll tell you something funny though. that psychologist, you know what she officially diagnosed me with? borderline personality disorder. and she was dead fucking wrong! NOT EVEN CLOSE. though i suppose that gives me more right to take up space in the bpd subreddit or whatever than someone genuinely suffering from the disorder, hm? 'cuz it's not like she's going to formally rescind it or anything. such an honour! should i be expected to go back and ask for a brand new assessment because she was wrong the first time? do you know how stretched thin the medical system is? can you imagine the looks i'd get if i overstayed my welcome in that system for something so pointless? do you think it'd make anything easier for me if i had a cute little doctor's note to explain shit i could just tell people with my own mouth? do you think i want you to believe me? who even are you?
even people who think they're level-headed can so easily find themselves plugging their ears and shouting over people like a child if they're conditioned to disable their empathy for a specific subset of people. i'm sure it's no coincidence that the more stigmatised a condition is, the more heavily it's policed by random assholes convinced they're doing the lord's work. these are people who at least understand it's wrong to hate everyone with those conditions, but hey, luckily there's all these evil pretenders who are still fair game. it's cowardly and it's so boring.
i myself have never been directly accused of making things up, but i've had to cut ties with friends who loved to go off about how much they hate those so-called fakers. sometimes they even singled me out as one of the good ones. pfft. the sheer venom in the way they talked about people who shared my conditions was bizarre. it's the exact same resentment people harbour towards any class of people they find disgusting. i don't get how these supposedly "progressive" people could expect me to go along with that. they always turn out to be people with ideologies so flimsy they'll end up becoming useful idiots for any evil cause so long as they like the sound of its blatant propaganda. then suddenly i realise i'm friends with people who are trying to convince me womanhood is being erased or there's an epidemic of men pretending to be lesbians. it shocks me how so much of it could be avoided if you just commit to respecting people and minding your goddamn business. so that's what i'm doing.
mental disorders occur in the human population even without medical intervention. diagnosis is a useful tool to gain access to care you would otherwise be barred from. it's not a government-ordained license to be mentally ill - your brain was gonna be like that anyway.
but if you're suffering, whether or not you're getting the external help you need, you can look out for yourself like nobody else does. you can raise yourself into the ally you always needed. knowing what's wrong is an important step to getting yourself there! it helps you understand why you act that way. it helps you filter out the shame and self-loathing. it's worth it, i promise. if you have a condition, knowing you have it changes nothing about you, but it opens you up to endless possibilities of a happier life you never knew you were worthy of. because for a lot of these conditions, treatment is essential and specialised--you may not get very far if you don't know what's really going on. if nobody is going to give that to you, the best thing you could ever do is learn how to give it to yourself. it's not fair, but i couldn't begin to tell you how much happier you'll be someday if you do it.
i'll be writing for the rest of my life trying to express all the incredible ways my life has changed shape since i started doing that work on my own. i thought i'd be dead before 25. the idea of living to 40 sounded like a miracle on par with becoming a god. i couldn't imagine an independent life. i had no other choice. i'm not alone in this anymore, by the way! and it's only thanks to my relentless effort that i lived long enough to see that happen. and what, some random fucking losers who haven't struggled a quarter as hard are getting on their soapbox to say i should have just sat around and waited for a doctor to give me permission to do all that????!!!???! shut the fuck up!!!
i feel like a black hole has opened up below us and swallowed the brains of half the people on earth. the medical system is broken. of course it's okay to take your health into your own hands if the alternative is fucking DYING. do you disagree with that?!
goodnight!